Here now and now here or nowhere

The title of this blog comes from a play on words that "now here" is also the same letters as "nowhere" just with a space added in the middle. I am always trying to get better at being in the here and now, and I've always been a bit of a joker so that is why I chose this name.

Monday, September 6, 2010


In this week I have been forced to detach from the three p's. Pens, Photos and Patagonia Jackets. Attachment is such a funny thing to me. I get attached to people for sure, but I think for the most part I am pretty good at not being too attached to material possessions. So why am I so upset about the pen I use for my journal dying? Well, I've had this pen since around when I first started this journal. I bought a new moleskin for my month long trip around western europe back in the winter of '06 (i think, or was it '05?) That's almost 4 or 5 years of one pen. The two (pen and journal) have been nearly inseparable. They've traveled more than 15 countries, been to burning man twice and tons more. All things considered, the fact it's lasted this long is pretty amazing. But I'm not ready to give it up yet. I find myself licking the point of the pen, blowing into the end of the inkwell, and scribbling lines up and down. I do all these as I hope to get just a little more ink out of it. One reason that i love this pen is that it's a bit thicker than a usual ballpoint and so it really fits nicely into my horrible penmanship hands. It makes writing a bit easier. but it's a pen, right, so who cares? I need to just throw it away but the attachment is too much. The emotional and historical value, let alone the utilitarian one, seem to high for me right now. Soon I will throw it away, I just hope i find a wider pen before that as i don't enjoy the regular size pens that I have as spares.

Photos: My computer sort of crashed this week. It's up and running but with major band aids. A reformat will probably need to happen if not an entire overhaul of the hard drive itself. I don't care so much, as I back data up every now and then. But the only place that had my recent great wall and Tiananmen pictures was on this possibly corrupt hard drive. These are one of a kind (to me) pictures as I don't plan to go back to either spot (at least any time soon). I was very upset, but really, why? I know I've been there so who do I need to show as long as I know? Maybe to look back on in time but for all things in perspective it's really far from that bad. An inconvenience, for sure. But not the end of the world by any level.

The jacket: Well the jacket is a bit more hard to deal with. for those who know me well, brace yourself. In a half tired moment caused by lack of sleep from a 30 hour train ride... I left my favorite patagonia fleece on the train. Some of you may have seen me in this coat. it looked like astroturf. I also bought this coat the same time i bought the journal. It was my fleece for the winter Europe travel and it's morphed into so much more.. The jacket would ellicit so many comments and/or ppl just petting me. It also went to two burning mans, and over at least 12 countries if not more. I loved this coat, LOVED IT. and now it's gone. This has been hard for me to deal with. Yes, it's a material (albeit, a relatively expensive one) and in the grand scheme of things who cares? well, again the emotional value is just too much to me. I've been through a lot with this jacket. in some ways it was almost like my second skin. but now it's gone (or so the transit authorities say) and i have to deal. and I'm dealing ok. the first few days were rough. anger at myself for forgetting it and being irresponsible. sadness for losing something that meant so much to me. laughter at caring about an inanimate object so much. etc... etc... I would play the scene in my head over and over again and think to myself. "why couldn't i just grab it." "Did i grab it but leave it somewhere else." I also remember where I left it, if i did leave it, and thinking that I BETTER remember to grab it. So did I or didn't I? All these thoughts that don't matter at this stage, the chitta vritti. I'm now at the stage of wondering what do i do from here? Do i buy a new jacket exactly like it? does this make sense being it's an expensive coat and the odds of losing it on the trip are probable. plus i will be entering warmer climates soon (sans tibet and nepal) so won't really need one. maybe I should buy one now when i have money in savings and have it shipped home for when I return, since I'll need one then and be broke. maybe i just buy a simple hoodie or flannel for now on cool nights, or maybe I just do nothing. There are points when it's perfectly fine to do nothing. So I don't know, I'm sort of at a loss. But as mentioned numerous times, it's just materials...

Given enough time we can look back at things and sort them out better in our minds. I'm more collected and ok with this all. I've adjusted to having lost these emotionally important things from my travels. But I know I'll be ok in the long run. I realize this post is even sort of silly, but i hope to use my recent feelings and tribulations to you all as a reminder. It's ok to get attached to things, material or else. but be ready and ok for when you no longer have them. Life is ebbs and flows, here today but gone tomorrow. It goes this way for people, photos, pens and patagonia jackets from our lives :)

here is a picture of me in my coat... may s/he rest in peace wherever it is :(


  1. I LOVED THAT COAT!!!! i definitely petted your arm quite a lot while you had that thing on :( sad days... but now you can buy the orange one!!!

  2. I know steph... sad days indeed. but phoenix's rise from the ashes. Think if/when I get new coat, I'll stick to the green. we'll see though. love from Xi'an