Here now and now here or nowhere

The title of this blog comes from a play on words that "now here" is also the same letters as "nowhere" just with a space added in the middle. I am always trying to get better at being in the here and now, and I've always been a bit of a joker so that is why I chose this name.

Monday, January 4, 2010

wells run deep

As i start the first day of my second to last week at my job I've held for the last 6.5 years, i can't help but feel emotional. things are cementing in finally.  the last few weeks i've been keeping a lot of this inside, and essentially dumping what little i do let out on Jill. I'm more needy than my usual self. I don't think i've realized until right now how awful this is of me.  I keep asking her to take me back as a boyfriend and she says she can't, that it isn't fair of me to ask this of her when i am leaving so shortly. I think to myself (and out loudly as that is what i generally do), "who cares of time, we have love!"  but i'm beginning to see how she may be taking this internally. in my mind we are essentially a couple, sans title, so why does it matter?  yet today, I can't help but feel selfish and mean to be putting her through this. I appreciate SO!!! much that she is there for me right now.  When I broke down the other night, she took me in and held and comforted me. she provided and cared for the hurt that was inside of me.  But what can i do for the hurt that will come of this for her? Am i not just setting her up to be hurt when I'm out of town?

But I keep saying that we need to live in the here and the now.  and the here and now tells me that we need to be together for the time being.  if there will be pain either way, is it not better to have the pain after so much pleasure? I'm still unsure of this, but I plan to ride it out as long as she'll let me, as I believe in our love, and love can move many a mountain.

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