I'm somewhere over the Pacific and flying to my destination of Incheon Airport, Korea. Having just finished watching one of the inflight movies, 2010, I'm left feeling these emotions that I've been putting off for the last 6 weeks or so. Though 2010 was far from a good movie by any means, (actually quite predictable and unfathomable in almost every way) I found myself getting heavily worked up at some of the generic "tearjerker" scenes. Thoughts of family, my girlfriend, and other loved ones rush through my head. thoughts of people I won't see for quite a long time. I don't think I knew then, nor now, what I actually signed up for when I booked this journey. But now it is slowly, very slowly, sinking in. A flash of tears and pain rush through my body, salty water drips down my cheeks.
The last few weeks I was too wrapped up in tying up the loose ends to get to this spot. I missed seeing a lot of friends and saying good bye to them, and I am sorry for that. I didn't call a lot of people back or missed correspondence with others. where as previously I could just wait a week or more to return a call to anyone, now it will be a much longer delay. this is something that made sense logically to me, but being in the situation itself proves opposite. It's something I couldn't fathom until I got to this spot. and now i am here, and not sure where to go or what to do from it.
Yeah, I'm scared. I feel lonelier than i've ever felt before, and I've barely begun. But, as people keep telling me, I've got a great journey ahead of me.
Leaving Jill's apartment today just seemed like another day. Sure we kissed goodbye a lot longer but it felt like I'd be back later that night to swoop her up in my arms and sleep comfortably next to. I didn't cry as i left, and of course i didn't say goodbye. how could i? I'd be back quickly. It didn't feel like a goodbye, it didn't feel sad. it felt like every other day. I was in a denial of sorts. I'm now holding comfort in the words of my friend Jessalyn when she said, "goodbye is such a stupid word, nothing is ever goodbye". So it wasn't a goodbye, just an extended "see you later, lover." Yet, I'm left still wishing that i could have done more for her, for me, for us.
Before the boarding process I made my last calls to the family and my best friend tom as well as numerous texts back and forth with Jill. I'll call when i can from abroad, but hearing the voices and "see you laters" of my brother and parents really helped cement in the upcoming trip more and more, and I could feel the distance already creeping in up and over and all around me.
When I boarded the plane i broke down again for just a minute, the sunglasses hiding my saline filled eyes. I called Jill to tell her that i love her and i could feel the sadness i was holding in myself as well as causing upon her. what I wouldn't give to have her here holding my hand as we travel to uncharted territory. but that isn't the current plan, and at this moment this can not happen.
so now I sit in my seat, preparing to take a nap next to a pleasant japanese fellow instead of falling asleep in my beautiful girlfriends arms. Instead of falling asleep in the room I grew up in. Instead of falling asleep in my brothers guest room. Oh, I'll be ok, I know this. I'm just in a new territory both geographically and emotionally. It's something I guess i just need to work through and we'll see where i come out on the other side.